November/December
2003
“Living
In A Difficult Marriage” “ LEAH”
Beloved I find that I really enjoy writing on the
subject of marriage, and I also feel like you can’t say
too much about it. It’s a subject that I feel we all can
learn a few things about. I have found it to be very
helpful to God’s people to have an understanding of what
is no doubt the most critical relationship that they
will ever have, aside from that of the Kingdom Church.
And this time I would like do something a little bit
different. I would like to try to look at some of the
problems that are found in “difficult marriages.” And I
would like to try to look at it from the woman’s or the
wives point of view. But that doesn’t mean that men
shouldn’t take out time to read this. No, on the
contrary, all of us, yes, even Primitive Baptist often
find that our marriages take a whole lot of work in
order for us to have a happy marriage.
It's not easy to be a Godly woman in
our world today. It seems like woman of today have more
opportunities than their mothers had in days gone by.
There are people who, for what ever reason, that seem
like they go out of their way to try to get mothers,
especially young mothers to abandon their families. It
seems like some people just go out of their way to
encourage them to abandon all of the responsibility that
they have toward their husbands and their children. Its
not too hard to see that there are what are claimed to
be new and wonderful freedoms that all of their mothers
never knew. Women are told today that they have choices
that were not options for women in other times in the
past.
As husbands and wives our lives we find that life is
full of choices that must be made. And you dear sisters
to understand that there are some extremely hard one
that you must make! But do find yourselves asking, “but
how do I know what the right choice is?” You see all of
us; because we are the people of God, must learn to
trust God’s Word for help in wise decision-making. The
decisions that you make are for life and the well being
of your entire family. And I believe that it is in the
scriptures that you find good examples that you, by
God’s grace will learn by precept and by example. In the
next two articles that follow, we will look at two women
in the Bible who had to wrestle with problems in their
marriage relationship, problems without a doubt in many
ways different from our own, and yet surprisingly
similar to what you sisters face today.
The Life of Leah: Living With a Man Who Shows No Love
When we talk about marriage, it's
always best for us to go back to the very beginning
where it all started: “And the LORD God said, It is not
good that the man should be alone; I will make him an
help meet for him” (Gen. 2:18). Once that was done, the
writer of Genesis tells us, “Therefore shall a man leave
his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his
wife: and they shall be one flesh” (v.24).
You all know the story. Adam was created, and he was
all-alone, and God said that “It is not good.” That he
should be left alone. And in order that Adam would have
some understanding of the fullness his aloneness, God
brought every animal in front of the only human being on
earth “to see what he would call them” (Gen. 2:19). And
having named them all, Adam found that “there was not
(one among them that was) “found” (as) an (a suitable)
“help meet for him.” He saw that he had no real
counterpart in all of the universe. Adam needed someone
to share life with him. God had created him to be in a
very special relationship, a relationship called
marriage. And in this relationship Adam and his wife
would mirror that very vital relationship that God had
between Himself and the Church.
The man and the woman had an ideal situation. They were
created in the image of God, and were placed in a garden
where they had challenging work to do, but with
absolutely no fatigue or stress. And we all know what
happened next. God had commanded the man saying that
they could eat of every tree of the garden “but of the
tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not
eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou
shalt surely die.” And Adam made a choice to disobey
God. And that choice plunged them both, along with all
of their posterity into alienation, an alienation from
God their Creator; an alienation from nature, which
would now master them, exhaust them, and eventually
absorb them back into itself as mere dust from which
they were created; and an alienation from one another.
And we see that within only six
generations starting with Adam and Eve, the perfect
relationship between one man and one woman had given way
to the sin of polygamy. One man having more than one
wife. In Genesis 4:19 we see for the first time that
“Lamech took unto him two wives: the name of the one was
Adah, and the name of the other Zillah.” The one-flesh
relationship, created by an all-wise Creator God, with a
oneness that is not only physical but mental, emotional,
and spiritual--was no longer possible for a man who
acquires wives the way he acquires cattle, sheep, or
gold.
In Genesis 29, we meet two women, Leah
and her sister Rachel, who because of polygamy became
rival’s one with the other, they were co-wives locked in
a polygamous relationship. Rachel, the younger sister,
is seen as the apple of her husband Jacob's eye, while
Leah is not loved by him. How does a woman live with a
man who doesn't love her? Do you want to talk about a
difficult marriage? Lets take a look at Leah's life for
just a little while, and with God’s help perhaps we
learn things that will help to give us some insight into
the answer of the question that is before us.
When we first meet Leah we find her
being a pawn in someone else's deception. Jacob had
cheated his brother Esau out of his birthright, and then
he fled from his home in Canaan back to the land of his
ancestors. He came to the household of his Uncle Laban,
who was his mother's brother. Laban invited him to stay
with him and work for him. Let's look at the story as it
develops in Genesis 29:16-30,
“And Laban had two daughters: the name of the elder was
Leah, and the name of the younger was Rachel. And we
find that Leah was tender eyed; but Rachel was beautiful
and well favoured. And Jacob took one look at Rachel and
feel head over heals in love with her; and he said to
Laban, “I will serve thee seven years for Rachel thy
younger daughter.” And Laban said, “it is better that I
give her to thee, than that I should give her to another
man: abide with me. And Jacob served seven years for
Rachel; and they seemed unto him but a few days, for the
love he had to her. And Jacob said unto Laban, give me
my wife, for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in
unto her. And Laban gathered together all the men of the
place, and made a feast.
And it came to pass in the evening,
that he took Leah his daughter, and brought her to him;
and he went in unto her. And Laban gave unto his
daughter Leah Zilpah his maid for an handmaid. When
morning came, there was Leah! So Jacob said to Laban,
"What is this you have done to me? I served you for
Rachel, didn't I? Why have you deceived me?”
To which Laban replied, “It must not
be so done in our country, to give the younger before
the firstborn. Fulfil her week, and we will give thee
this also for the service which thou shalt serve with me
yet seven other years.
And Jacob did so, and fulfilled her
week: and he gave him Rachel his daughter to wife also.
And Laban gave to Rachel his daughter Bilhah his
handmaid to be her maid. And he went in also unto
Rachel, and he loved also Rachel more than Leah, and
served with him yet seven other years. Your first
sympathy probably goes to Jacob. After all, a bargain is
a bargain. He bargained for Rachel, not Leah. His crafty
uncle pulled a fast one and stuck him with Leah.”
But Jacob knew a little about being crafty himself.
After all Jacob’s name meant a “supplanter,” which means
someone who removes or carries a thing away by fraud or
trickery. Not only had he stolen his brother Esau’s of
birthright, but he did so by deceiving his blind father
Isaac. So he wasn't exactly without blame in this
matter. But we still can’t help but feel sorry for
Jacob. After all he did work seven years of labor for
his beloved Rachel, and he went through all of the
traditional feasting to celebrate his wedding to who he
thought was Rachel. He waited, and was no doubt a little
drunken in the darkened tent for his bride to be
delivered to him, he saw only dimly the heavily veiled
woman enter, and assumed she was Rachel. What a shock
when the next morning he woke up to discover plain old
Leah.
It's easy to get so caught up in
feeling sorry for Jacob in this matter. But have you
ever stopped to think about what it must have been like
to be Leah the next morning. Most of us probably haven’t
ever given it a thought. It’s my opinion that Leah had
also been in love with Jacob during those seven years
that he was working for Rachel, and because of her love
for him she became a willing accomplice to her father's
scheme. I will admit that there’s nothing in the passage
to confirm my opinion, but I still believe it’s true
just the same. But whether she went to Jacob's tent that
night as a willing accomplice or as a dutiful daughter
merely obeying her father, she couldn’t have been very
thrilled the next morning when Jacob made a scene with
his father-in-law Laban, making it known how angry he
was to have been deceived.
If Leah had ever hoped for Jacob's
love- if she had ever dared think that she could
possibly have it, the one question is, how could she
ever hope to compete with her beautiful younger sister?
Well its certain that all of her illusions were dashed
when Jacob hit the tent roof about the deception. She
was faced with the fact that she was unloved, undesired,
and unsought after. And in probably less that one week
she found herself as the displaced wife of Jacob, as he
took Rachel to himself. Is there any woman today who
would remain married under the same circumstances as
Leah? Probably not! Right?
But beloved how many times has there been some sort of
deception found in many courtships? If you are married
now and you really stop and think back to your own
wedding, do you believe that you got what you bargained
for? Or do you sometimes feel cheated by your partner in
some way?
How would our lives feel to us if the most important
relationship in our life turned out to be marred from
the very beginning by deception or disappointment? We
live in this old sinful world, and we build
relationships with sinful people. And we bring our own
sinfulness into those relationships. No wonder deception
and disappointment can creep in.
In verse 31, we read how that this sad
story of unloved Leah begins to turn a corner: “And when
the LORD saw that Leah was hated, he opened her womb:
but Rachel was barren.” God did not close His eyes to
Leah’s plight. God through His providence and loving
mercy saw the ache in her heart and did something about
her situation. (We could talk about time salvation at
this point, but that’s another subject.) We know this to
be true because “Leah conceived,” and she bore Jacob “a
son, and she called his name Reuben: for she said,
surely the LORD hath looked upon my affliction; now
therefore my husband will love me.” Her Sovereign God
saw her need, and He moved to meet it. Sisters, I know
that you often feel like you have problems that it seems
like there is simply no way that there could ever be any
solution.
It seems to me to be very obvious that
part of Leah's problem was that she was not as pretty as
her younger sister. Rachel no doubt was very beautiful.
And when we first see her in Genesis 29:6-12, she dances
off the page, full of vitality and energy! And she
simply has everything going for herself. Are we
surprised that Jacob took one look at her and fell head
over heals in love with her? No wonder the Bible tells
us that working for her for those seven years “seemed
unto him but a few days, for the love he had to her.”
(v.20).
Look at Rachel-and then there's poor, poor Leah. The
only thing that the scriptures tell us about Leah is
that she was “tender eyed” (v.17).
Commentators and translators
have had a field day with the Hebrew word here
translated “tender eyed.” We don't really know what
Leah's eyes were like. Some say she had weak eyes and
was going blind, and that Laban wanted to get rid of her
quickly before that happened. But one thing is certain
to me; Leah’s eyes were “soft and lovely.” Maybe her
soft lovely and beautiful eyes were Leah’s only one good
feature. The important thing is that whatever she looked
like, she grew up in the shadow of a beautiful sister.
One more question, couldn’t God have created Leah to be
just as beautiful as Rachel? Why certainly He could. So
the question is why didn't He do it? Doesn’t it seem
like it would have saved her great deal of grief? That’s
the way that we usually see things isn’t it? Watch this
now. It seems like it would be easier to walk by our
natural sight. And in so doing, each and every time that
we do it, we will always lose out on a wonderful
blessing. But the scriptures teach us that we are to
“walk by faith, and not by sight” (2 Cor. 5:7). Lets go
on now.
When we continue to look at Leah, we
ask ourselves why did God wait all of that time until
Leah became the unloved wife of Jacob to do something
nice for her? And the answer to that question comes to
us from the prophet Isaiah who reminds us that God says,
“for as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my
ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your
thoughts” (Isa. 55:9). The Apostle Paul tells us that
the Lord told him, that His “grace is sufficient for
thee: for” He says, “My strength is made perfect in
weakness’ (2 Cor. 12:9). Beloved it is not when we feel
to be strong. No, when we feel strong we often forget
that we need God. But more often than not, it’s when we
are in our weakness that we see Him in His strength.
When we take out time to look more closely at Leah, can
we not see that if God had made Leah just as beautiful
as her sister Rachel, there’s a good chance she would
not have had to be pawned off on Jacob. God often works
in our lives by not giving us a perfect situation. He
works in such a way so that we are often not able to see
things with our natural eyes. And it’s in this way that
He reveals His power and love in our many imperfect
situations. He works for our good by allowing us to
struggle in our less than perfect relationships.
Yes, Leah was unloved. But God saw her in that
condition. And He blessed her by opening her womb. Not
just once, but at least seven times. Each time that Leah
held that tiny new life in her arms and when she named
her child, we get a glimpse into her mind, and heart,
and into her needs as a woman.
In Genesis 29:32, listen to Leah as she is found still
cradling her firstborn son, “and she called his name
Reuben: for she said, Surely the LORD hath looked upon
my affliction; now therefore my husband will love me.”
Reuben’s name means “look at me, I have a son!” Soon
after that, “she conceived again, and bare” another son,
and she said, “because the LORD hath heard that I was
hated, he hath therefore given me this son also: and she
called his name Simeon” (v.33). And Simon’s name means
‘hearing’ because the Lord heard her crying.
As if two sons were not enough, “she conceived again,
and bare a son; and said, now this time will my husband
be joined unto me, because I have born him three sons:
therefore was his name called Levi” And Levi’s name
means ‘attached, or joined’ (v.34).
Three sons. Is that enough? Look at her now; can we see
where her focus is? Leah is thinking about herself and
placing all of her desire on Jacob. She’s saying, “okay
now my husband will at last love me. Because I have
given him all of these sons. Keep in mind where her
focus is.
Jesus said, “seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his
righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto
you” (Matt. 6:33). And apparently he did, because we see
in verse 35, “And she conceived again, and bare a son:
and she said, Now will I praise the LORD: therefore she
called his name Judah; and left bearing.” Now listen to
what she is saying. Judah’s name means ‘may God be
praised.’ Did you catch that? Something has just now
changed. Now she is no longer only thinking about
herself, now she was thanking God for the blessing of
her new little son, and also for His giving her the four
sons that she already has. Can you see that her focus
has changed? Yes dear little Child of God, she’s seeing
something that she wasn’t seeing before.
Look now and see that there are four little boys all in
a row. Can you see and listen and hear Leah as she is
setting outside her tent on a hot Mesopotamian summer
day calling out for her little boys? Reuben! Simeon!
Levi! Judah! Listen to the progression in Leah's
understanding and her faith as you hear those names.
Reuben - whose name means, ‘behold, I have a son.” Leah
now understood that God had seen her in her misery, and
that it was He who opened her womb, and had given her a
son. At first she believed that God had done so only so
that she would have the love of her husband. But did it
work out the way that she thought that it should?
Apparently not. It was probably less than a year later
that Simeon was born.
Simeon - whose name means, “hearing.” Because she said
the Lord had heard her crying. With her second son Leah
was still unloved. Reuben's birth had not caused any
change in Jacob causing him to love her. He still had
eyes only for Rachel’s problems. And God had heard
Leah's sighs. He had seen her tears. He had understood
her deep desire for the love of Jacob and had given her
a second son. Surely this time she thought that Jacob
would love her. But did he? Then she gave birth to Levi.
Levi – whose name means, “attached or joined.” She said,
surely “now this time will my husband be joined unto me,
because I have born him three sons.” Hope springs from
the heart of God’s people. Leah hoped that each new
little son would make a difference in her marriage. And
that somehow Jacob would begin to love her just like he
loved Rachel. She still hoped for, at the very least to
have an equal place with Rachel, if not to have the
first place in her husband’s heart. We see that with the
passage of time, and after the birth of each little boy,
hope was pushed back, and then thrown to the ground. All
of her efforts to win Jacob's love by her efforts were
fruitless. In the end he still only had eyes for Rachel.
How many times do we see wives who go to extraordinary
lengths to win, or to keep the love of husbands who do
not respond to them in love? And beloved just as often,
as in the case Leah, that hope through our own efforts,
seems to us to be springing eternal, but becomes hope
pushed back, or hope thrown to the ground?
It is so very difficult to live in a relationship
without any deep, mutual, or committed love! As Children
of God everything in our hearts cries out to have it.
After all, that was God's original design for marriage
when He created the man Adam, and his wife Eve and
brought them together in the Garden of Eden.
And even in Eden marriage was more than sex. It was more
than pro-creation. Marriage is a union of hearts, minds,
goals, interests, and spirits. Marriage is a joining
together of two bodies as one to symbolize all the
oneness a man and a woman should experience in every
other dimension of their lives together. To picture the
oneness of Jesus Christ together with His Bride. For
Adam and Eve, it was a total unity that was only
possible in that Eden. While in their perfection, Adam
and Eve had that relationship. But sin entered in by the
“disobedience of one man,” and destroyed that perfect
union for themselves as well as for us today.
And to this very day as a flawed woman is married to a
flawed man, we cannot have that total and unblemished
union with our husbands or wives, that we would like.
More often than not, our own personal needs get in the
way of their needs! Our wishes collide with theirs! Do
we not see how easy it is to become disillusioned about
our relationship, and to see that it can’t ever be
perfect? So what does a wife do in such a case?
They can continue to try by their own efforts, trying
harder and harder, longing, and wishing for something
better. Or they can put their trust in God’s providence.
Knowing that He can and will “do exceeding abundantly
above all that we ask or think, according to the power
that worketh in us” (Eph. 3:20).
In today's world, when both men and woman despair of
achieving it with Mr. or Mrs. Wonderful#1. And if that
doesn’t work out, they may decide to try it with Mr. or
Mrs. Wonderful #2 or Mr. or Mrs. Wonderful #3. And there
seems to be no end to it. And we can’t seem to find the
thing that we seek.
Today we are surrounded with many in the media who keep
telling us that “romantic” love is the basis of strong
marriages, it's so hard for us to hang on to the fact
that a magnificent marriage is built on something other
than human love. It has to be! It seems like in our
disappointment of feeling less loved than we’d like,
that it might be possible to find the resources for
happiness in a less-than-perfect marriage? But what is
that resource? It’s the grace of God.
Let's continue on now and take another look at Leah's
attitude when her fourth son was born. She named him
Judah, which means, “praising.” She explained, “now will
I praise the LORD.” Look at her now, for the first time
in naming her sons, Leah turned from expressing her
yearning for Jacob's love to accepting and basking in
God's love!
Lets take out a little time to look at how Leah's focus
had shifted from what she lacked to what God had blessed
her with. True, nothing about Jacob had changed. His
focus was still on Rachel. Try though she might, she
could not change him. But there was a change in herself.
Her own focus had changed. Before all she could see was
what she lacked, but now she could see, and understand
how that the hand of God had been in her life. And He
was giving her life significance.
It seems like the most important step toward joy in our
lives, in a loveless marriage is to change our focus
from what we do not have, to that which the Lord has
given us. What did Leah have? She had four sons in a day
when having sons meant everything. And when she woke up
to this very important understanding, she was able to
see the real richness that God had placed in her, and
she was able to say, “now will I praise the LORD.”
In Genesis 30:1-3, we see the spotlight on Rachel: “And
when Rachel saw that she bare Jacob no children, Rachel
envied her sister; and said unto Jacob, Give me
children, or else I die.” And that Jacob's “anger was
kindled against Rachel: and he said, am I in God's
stead, who hath withheld from thee the fruit of the
womb? And she said, Behold my maid Bilhah, go in unto
her; and she shall bear upon my knees, that I may also
have children by her.”
And so Rachel, after crying not to God, but to her
husband Jacob, in turn gives him her handmaid Bilhah,
whose name incidentally means ‘foolish,’ in an effort to
try and give birth to son by Jacob, and so that she
could legally, that is under the law, have a child, but
do it through another woman. We know this is true
because it was Rachel who named the little boy. She
called him Dan, saying, “God hath judged me, and hath
also heard my voice, and hath given me a son: therefore
called she his name Dan.” (v.6). And Dan’s name means
‘He Judges me.’
And so she reasoned within herself, “maybe I can have a
son through my handmaid. And she reasoned “well, if it
worked once for me, then why not do again?” So Rachel
sent her handmaid (‘foolish’) Bilhah to Jacob again. And
you guessed it, she conceived and bore Jacob another
son, and Rachel named the baby Naphtali, which means “wrestlings.”
Rachel explained her choice of names by saying, “with
great wrestlings have I wrestled with my sister, and I
have prevailed.” (v.8). It is very easy to see her
anguish of heart; because Jacob was living in a
polygamous relationship, she felt forced to have a
relationship in which she is wrestling with her sister.
Remember that by God’s original design it was one man
and one woman? Look at the results of trying to outdo
God’s pattern.
So she no doubt thought, now everything would be set
right. But was it? Take a look at the score now. Rachel,
four and Leah two in favor. And Leah seemed like she was
a little bit nervous that her sister was closing in on
her, jumped into the same game, and she gave her
maidservant Zilpah, whose name means ‘short’ unto Jacob
too. (v.9). And yes you guessed it again, as soon as
Zilpah gave birth to a son, Leah called the child Gad,
which means “fortune.” Yes, in her view her riches were
increasing! And now the score was five to two, still in
Leah's favor.
Leah must have thought to herself, if it had worked
twice for Rachel, maybe it would work twice for me too.
So Leah turns again sends Zilpah to sleep with her
husband Jacob. Zilpah became pregnant again and bore
another son. Leah named him Asher, which means “happy.”
She says, “Happy am I, for the daughters will call me
blessed: and she called his name Asher.” (v.13).
What a switch! The loved and favored Rachel was left
desolate. The miserable, unloved Leah exclaimed, “Happy
am I!” Now the tables were turned. Rachel, the woman who
had it all at the beginning was eaten up with jealousy
and frustration. Leah was the substitute wife, who
wanted so desperately to know her husband's love, now
she had learned to focus on what she had, not on what
she lacked. She could say with all confidence, “Happy am
I ?”
Elder Thomas McDonald
River Parted
into Four Heads
In our previous essay we noted the scriptural
correlation between the bible number four and the
biblical subject of the work of the Holy Spirit.
(Four
- Spirit)
In Gen. 2:10-14 we read, “And a river
went out of Eden to water the garden; and from thence it
was parted, and became into four heads. The name of the
first is Pison: that is it which compasseth the whole
land of Havilah, where there is gold; and the gold of
that land is good: there is bdellium and the onyx stone.
And the name of the second river is Gihon: the same is
it that compasseth the whole land of Ethiopia. And the
name of the third river is Hiddekel: that is it which
goeth toward the east of Assyria. And the fourth river
is Euphrates.”
Normally when we think of a river we think of streams or
smaller rivers flowing into the larger river. The river
mentioned above, however, parts and forms four other
rivers. Ps. 46:4 speaks of such a river, “there is a
river, the streams whereof shall make glad the city of
God, the holy place of the tabernacles of the most
High.” This river had streams coming out of it that
caused the city of God (church) to rejoice.
The word, Eden, means “delight.” The Lord delights to
save his people from their sins. The first head of the
parted river is “Pison.” The word, “Pison,” means
“freely flowing.” God’s grace is free and flows down
from God to his elect people. This river compassed the
“whole land of Havilah.” Havilah means “circle.” In the
scriptures a circle is a symbol of a covenant. In the
covenant of redemption set forth in Rom. 8:29, 30, those
that God foreknew, he predestinated; and those he
predestinated, he called; and those he called, he
justified; and those he justified, he glorified. Thus
all He chose before the foundation of the world are
completely encompassed by the grace of God freely
flowing from God and imparted unto us by the Holy
Spirit.
The name of the second river is “Gihon” which means
“stream.” This river completely encompassed the land of
“Ethiopia.” The word, Ethiopia, means “black.” Black is
the bible color associated with sin. The atoning blood
of Jesus is as a stream atoning for all the sins of all
his elect people: “elect according to the foreknowledge
of God the Father, thru sanctification of the Spirit,
unto obedience and the sprinkling of the blood of Jesus
Christ” (1 Pet. 1:2).
The name of the third river was “Hiddekel” which means
“rapid.” This river flowed to the “east” of Assyria.
East is the bible direction of sin. Also “Assyria” means
“plain.” In Eph. 2:1 we read, “you hath he quickened who
were dead in trespasses and sins.” The Holy Spirit as a
(rapid) river reaches down and quickens us (gives us
spiritual life) when we were dead in trespasses and sins
(absent of spiritual life). This is the marvelous work
of the Holy Spirit causing us to be born again.
The name of the fourth river is Euphrates, meaning
“bursting” or “sweet.” The gospel or good news comes to
those whom God elected and the Holy Spirit quickened and
is indeed bursting or sweet news to the child of God who
has come to realize his own condemnation and felt the
depravity of his heart. This sweet news refreshes his
soul and causes him to have hope of eternal life thru
the redeeming blood of Jesus.
Surely these four streams of God’s grace, redemption,
new birth, and the gospel flow out from God’s delight to
save his people from their sins and make glad the city
of God (his church) which is the holy place of his
tabernacles.
Elder Vernon Johnson
